Return of the Dark Lord
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Voldemort's return, told from Nagini's point of view. Contains randomness and minor acts of stupidity; written because I was extremely bored.


**I was bored one day and I realized I hadn't published any Nagini fanfictions, so I dug through a bunch of old documents until I found this. I'll probably continue it, even though it was written almost a year ago. Voldemort's return, written from Nagini's point of view.**

**Disclaimer: No, of course I wrote Harry Potter, that would really explain why I'm writing fanfiction now.**

**_Italics_**** is Parseltongue. Nagini can vaguely guess at what's being said in English, but she doesn't fully understand it yet - she's just picked up the general stuff from when Voldemort spoke to his followers such as Crouch and Quirrel.**

"Get Potter! CATCH HIM AND BRING HIM TO ME!" the Dark Lord screamed furiously.

"_Calm down_," Nagini hissed. "_They've obviously killed him already._"

"They have not, I would know if my enemy was dead!" Voldemort screamed. Nagini realized her master was still shaking from the golden light and the ghosts. She didn't know them all, but she distinctly recognized two of them as breakfast, and seeing them walking around was unnerving.

"Lucius!" Voldemort called. "LUCIUS!"

"My Lord," Lucius Malfoy Apparated the few feet closer to the Dark Lord. "What is it you desire, my Lord?"

"Bring me Potter!" Voldemort commanded.

"_Isn't that what they're trying to do?_" Nagini said.

"Does it matter?!" Voldemort snarled, rounding on her

_"Ever heard of Parseltongue?"_ she said coldly.

"NAGINI!" Voldemort shrieked. He was practically hysterical. No one had seen him like this before.

"I'll go and get Potter," Lucius said hurriedly. He turned and started running. Voldemort started pacing impatiently (of course he was too important to run after Potter himself), still furious and shaken. Nagini considered saying something, then decided that the question could wait.

Eventually the Death Eaters began to return, looking down.

"Lucius?"

"Yes, my Lord?" Lucius asked.

"Where is Potter?"

"He - he escaped, my Lord. Used the Portkey to teleport..." Lucius didn't have time to finish the sentence. Voldemort coldly whispered _"Crucio,"_ and Lucius was writhing and screaming on the ground. The rest hardly dared to breathe, for fear of having the same fate bestowed upon themselves.

"You have failed me," Voldemort hissed. "All of you. But the Dark Lord is merciful."

"_And in need of followers,_" Nagini hissed. "_So he will mercifully not punish you so much that you give up your loyalty to him._"

"_I'm not going to let them get away with it!_" Voldemort said.

_"THANK YOU for finally using Parseltongue. It's hard to understand English_."

"I will... decide your full torture momentarily," said Voldemort. "For now, we are going to play the Crucio Game. Line up!" Everyone knew what the Crucio Game was. All the Death Eaters lined up, and Voldemort went down the line Crucio-ing them. Whoever didn't scream and stood upright the longest won.

The Crucio Game lasted all night. Voldemort only stopped to use the bathroom (his first crap since his rebirth! Everyone cherish the bush it was made in!).

"_I'm tired_," Nagini hissed as the game came to an end. All the Death Eaters were lying on the ground moaning. "_Where are we going to live?_"

"_In one of their houses_," Voldemort replied. _"I'm sure they'll all be keen to have me._"

"Death Eaters!" he called, switching to English. Some of them hurried to kiss the hem of his robes, then formed a circle around him. Others just stayed on the ground moaning.

"As I'm sure you know, my former mansion was burned to the ground at my supposed 'downfall,'" Voldemort said. "Those fools did not believe the Dark Lord would be returning. They will be duly punished, of course, but for the moment, I need a place to stay. Lucius, you have a large mansion..."

_"Ew, no, he smells gross_," Nagini protested.

"_Just for a few days_," Voldemort promised. Nagini hissed dismissively, then asked, "_Who's that?_" One of the formerly empty spaces had been filled.

"Ah, Severus," Voldemort hissed dangerously. "You have though to join us at last."

"I apologize for my lateness, my Lord, and I beg your forgiveness," Severus said, a hint of a sneer in his voice.

"_Bullshit,_" Nagini muttered. Voldemort had taught her many curse words in Parseltongue, and she planned to take full advantage of them. However, Voldemort ignored her as Severus continued:

"My Lord, as you know, I was a spy for Dumbledore. I now bring back import.."

"I will discuss those matters with you later, privately," Voldemort said. "Now is not the time. In fact, I will be staying at your house for the time being."

"My Lord, I reside at Hogwarts during the school year," Severus said, his voice steady. "My house is empty. I would be honored for you to use it, if that is what pleases you..."

"Shut up. I will live at Lucius' house instead," Voldemort said angrily. He did not like to be contradicted. "You have disgraced me, Severus."

_"No, we should go live in an empty house that doesn't smell like... human... smells..._"

"You shall keep my return a secret," Voldemort said, addressing the group at large. "Our first meeting will be at Severus' house, one week before Hogwarts is out. Return to your lives as usual. Keep your Marks covered. You are dismissed."

'My Lord, it is a great honor to have you..." Lucius began.

"_Tell him to be quiet_," Nagini said. "_I want to sleep._"

_"You'll have a bed very soon_," Voldemort assured her. "_Give me your tail, we're doing Side-Along Apparation._" Nagini complied hesitantly. Voldemort sank his clawed fingers into her tail, and they appeared at Malfoy Manor.

"_That was awful_," Nagini hissed. She and Voldemort followed Lucius up the front steps of Malfoy Manor.

"Lucius, bring me and Nagini to your largest guest room, send up chocolate brownies, and leave us in peace," Voldemort said in a commanding tone.

"Yes, my Lord," Lucius said, bowing, "Certainly, my Lord." He led them up several flights of steps (Nagini demanded to be levitated) and into a 'guest' suite. "I hope you..." Voldemort closed the door in his face and ran over to the four-poster bed. Nagini slithered around the room irritably, finally curling up in front of the fire.

"_Why isn't there any grass?_" she asked. "_Or trees? I really want a tree branch._"

_"I'll have Lucius bring you one in the morning_," Voldemort said, only half listening. "_Think, Nagini! It's been thirteen years since I've had a body! Thirteen years since I've been able to eat brownies and cookies and junk food..._"

"_So I've heard. But you ate plenty of food with Quirinus, though_," Nagini reminded him. "_Let's go to sleep_," she added pointedly as Voldemort munched noisily on the brownies, cookies, cupcakes and other various junk food that had appeared on the bedside table.

_"But we have to make evil plans_!" he protested.

_"Tomorrow_," Nagini promised sleepily. Voldemort humphed and was about to protest when Nagini started fake-snoring, so he gave up and went to sleep.

"_Nagini! Wake up!_" Voldemort commanded, hitting the snooze button on the alarm.

"_Eh?_"

_"When you're the world's most evil villain, you have to get up early_," Voldemort said.

_"But no one said anything about his pets_," Nagini said. She rolled over and went back to sleep.

"Fine, then, I'll go take my first bath in thirteen years by myself," Voldemort said sulkily.

"_Somehow your first bath in years doesn't sound too appealing to witness_."

Voldemort ignored her and stomped to the bathroom, where he discovered a mini hot tub and a bottle of bubble bath. A grin spreading across his noseless, attractive face, he started to fill up the bath...

"_Fuck! Ew, chemicals, they're hideous! Take me out, you bastard..._"

"_Good morning to you, too, Nagini,_" Voldemort said happily. "_What, you don't like the bubble bath? Um... Nagini_?" he asked. She had gone eerily still.

_Goddamn it_, Voldemort thought as he closed the space between him and the bathtub. Then, as he peered over the edge, Nagini sprung out of the water and curled her heavy body around Voldemort's neck, pulling him into the water. The only problem with that was she kept him there, unable to breathe, with his head under the water and a 200 pound anaconda on his neck. Voldemort started to struggle. Nagini squeezed tighter, only letting him go when he seemed to weaken, then go limp.

_"Okay, you can get up now_," Nagini prompted him. Voldemort didn't move. _"Stop sulking underwater, you know humans can only hold their breath for five minutes._" Still no reaction. So, groaning, she positioned her body under his neck and torso and shoved until the Dark Lord's head broke the surface. "_You better be grateful for this_," she hissed as she heaved his body onto the floor. Nagini slithered out of the bubbly, chemical-filled tub, drenching the tile flooring as she came up beside her master. "Get the hell up!" she hissed, "Now!" Voldemort still didn't move. Nagini, unsure of what to do, grabbed Voldemort's wand in her mouth and shoved it up his flat and almost nonexistent nose.

Voldemort coughed, rose, then screamed in anger and pain as he wrenched his wand from his nose. It was full of blood and snot.

"_Glad you're finally up_!" Nagini said.

"Nagini!" Voldemort yelled.

"_Um, Parseltongue, hello? We're alone here, there's no one..._"

"How dare you!" Voldemort screamed. "Trying to kill your master, who has always spared you, protected you..."

_"Hm, funny, I seem to remember it the other way around_," said Nagini. "_Where I was the big, strong snake you abused and tested and Horcruxified, while you were in the pathetic form of a human baby. As a matter of fact, your body isn't much different now, only a bit taller. I wonder if you can go potty by yourself now.._."

"_You almost drowned me_!" Voldemort cried, switching back to Parseltongue as he got his anger in check.

"_Hey, it's not my fault humans die so easily,_" Nagini said.

"_And you stuffed a wand up my nose!_"

_"How else do you suggest I get you up?_"

"_I don't know, maybe tap me on the shoulder or something? Or, even better, you could just not drown me in the first place?_"

_"That was because you stuffed me in that disgusting bubbly water!_"

"_Whatever," Voldemort said, "Just... just get out so I can take a bath_."


End file.
